AlwaysFaithful

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 00:33:50 GMT

So, I've had a total of 3 hours of sleep in the past 35 hours. *blinks*

This is mainly for me.
I'm really glad and somewhat thankful that I'm getting more hours in at work, but holly cow. O.O

This is my schedual for spring break:
(I'm required to be at each shift half an hour or moreearly, and I stay an hour or more later)
Saturday, 25 March = 10 - 3
Sunday, 26 March = 12 - 3
Wednesday, 29 March = 12 - 4 (I left at 5:30)
Wednesday/Thursday, 29/30 March = llpm - 6:00am (Left around 7:30ish)

Friday, 31 March = 10 - 2
Saturday, 1 April = 10 - 2
Sunday, 2 April = 2 - 6

And between now and Sunday... I need to finish reading one book so that I can read another book, and do 3 book reports; and hang out with Ronnie tomorrow. O.O *I'm busy and trying to get another job. I have to ask myself, Am I crazy?*

And I still think that the elf in my icon looks like a guy I work with. Every time I see it, I think "Paul". Weird.

Not as weird as seeing Stewart in Draco Malfoy... No really. There was a thumbnail for a picture of Stewart on my computer, and when I qucikly passed it, I thought I saw Malfoy. and thought: "Wait, I didn't save any pictures of Malfoy on my computer lately." But when I cliked on it, it was just a freshmen. I was disapointed.

*Lindsay

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 14:46:24 GMT

I thought I updated a few days ago but I guess I didn't. Oh well, here goes.

Yes, I know it's 7:35am. No, I did not wake up at this time. I just got home from work. Bleh. Working 2 loong shifts in one day isn't very pleasent. But the all nighter was pretty cool.. just a bunch of us employees just goofing off. I hate how we're the babysitters to a bunch of middle school and high school kids, though. I supposed to hang out with Ronnie today but I don't think that's gonna happen. I'm super exausted, and I want more than 3 hours of sleep since Tuesday.

So... I'm doing allright. Better than some of my past entries. My confidence is at an all-time high for me. Yay me. I even applied for a new job at Target. I had two interviews and they're gonna call me back in about a week to tell me if I got the job or not. I really need another and/or a new job soon, though. I have less than 2 months to save up as much money for college and Europe as possible.

Damn school. I have an insperation for a Harry Potter Fan Fiction, and I want to write it. But gotta finish reading 400 pages, write 3 book reports, and prepare visual for a poetry project all by Sunday. So, I should do all that before writing my own stuff, right? Meh. Screw school, is what I say.

Ok, I honestly dunno what next to say and I think I'm just rambling. So I'm gonna go now.

*Lindsay

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 07:03:04 GMT

You know what really annoys me, I mean REALLLY annoys me freakin' hell out of me is when friends make plans to hang out with you, you go out of your way (like taking time off of work when I really could have used the hours, for example), then when the time comes they leave you out of those said plans and expect you to be ok with it. So, yeah. I no longer trust friends to keep plans with me and I will no longer go out of my way like that just to be ditched.

I mean, I know it doesn't mean much and I shouldn't get annoyed about it but it's been happening way too often and I think it's the fact that it happens way too often that annoys me the most.

School annoys me too. It's midnight and I still have one more essay to write. Darn you school and all of your homeworkness!

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 19:05:04 GMT

Thornton High School Presents

Little Shop of Horrors

March 9, 10, and 11 @ 7:00pm

Tickets are $5.00

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 04:46:23 GMT

I only have 3 months left of school, according to my timeticker. Yay! It's exiting and great and frightening to know that in a little over three months I get to be done with highschool, quite my job at Skate City, and go away. It's also sad because then I won't be able see my teachers almost everyday that I do now. Such as Lisa, Mr. Frazer, Mrs. Kummer, and Mr. Morrow. They've all tought me so much and still are. It'd be so sad when they're un able to.

Gah! I want to watch RENT so bad. I let Ronnie borrow my DVD. But I'm in a RENT mood.... *tear* oh well.

So, last weekend was great. I just worked all day on Friday and Saturday. Not surprise, no real fun. But, on Sunday, I went to Bryan's 18th birthday party. It was cool, I hung out with some people. Afterwards, we all (except Jordana) went to see Freedomland, which really sucked. But it was cool waiting for almost two hours for the movie to start. Monday was awesome. I went to the FlatIrons mall with Bryan, Laura, Alicia, Robin, Ronnie, and Steph. We ate at the food court, walked around, then stood/sat infront of the hair salon and waited for Alicia to get her hair done. Bryan tought me how to pick up guys, which I found out I'm ok at. I'm just ok at it, but I don't totally suck at it. So maybe there's hope for me not to be lonely for my whole life yet. Except two ten year olds were doing the same thing and tried to pick me up. Ew. It was fun for Bryan and I to mess with their heads. Then, Alicia, Bryan, Laura, and I went to the Colorado Mills mall and just hung out. After that, Alicia, Laura, and I took the LONG way home. It was all fun. It was nice having a day where I didn't have to care about anything and not completely hate myself. I'll put pictures up in a next post.

On Wednesday, I went to the dentest to have a few cavates(sp?) filled in and to get a tooth pulled. Thus starts my path to getting braces in the next couple months. I have to go and get another tooth pulled and some cavates filled. Why do I need to get teeth pulled? Because I have way too many for my mouth. But it sucked, I was there for 3 hours. My teeth still hurt like hell. They gave me medications to numb the pain. But it doesn't really work.. just knocks me out and makes me sick.

eh... that's it for now. I want to post the pictures then go to bed.

*:Lindsay

Rant.

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 02:26:38 GMT

Is it just me or does the rich text have a different look?? Oh well

I want to sleep. I slept last night from 5:00pm - 6:05am. That's the longest I've slept in... I don't even know how long. And All I want to do is sleep. Agreeing to take that shift for that guy at work kind of sucks because I just want to sleep.

I worked too much this last weekend. 9 hours with no break on Saturday; 5 hours on Sunday; and 4 hours on monday night (I was there until 12:30am on a school night). And I agreed to take someone's shift tomorrow night. Heh, watch with my luck, I'll have to be there at nine on Saturday. But, it's kind of cool I guess. Because now I have major brownie points with Kevin for that double shift. And I have 4 people who promised to take any shift I need them to (2 people twice). Go Me. I'm definitely going to take advantage of that if I have to work Monday afternoon.

I feel... A number of things today.
I feel bad for not being able to go to Winterfest this year, which is this weekend. Friday-Sunday. But... It just wouldn't work out. They brought up the price, so I don't have $145 to go. And there's no point going in going this year. But Apparently I'm going. Ronnie told me Jackie is trying to find me to talk to me about getting a ride tomorrow afternoon. I guess they already have my attendance set in stone but I didn't turn in an application or any fees and no one has actually talked directly to me about it. Interesting.
I feel frustrated with myself for a number of reasons. For seeing everything I do as a failure; and failing to see anything as an accomplishment. Gah. I even spent 2 hours in the pottery room only to have a meltdown in front of the 5th hour class, which was really horrible.
I also feel nervous. I finally sent a text to a guy that I've liked a lot for 8 years but haven't seen or heard from in over 9 months. I don't even know what to think about that. I don't think I'm alowed to be in a relationship like that, and if there is potential for one here... I don't know. But really, pretty much everytime I've had a chance for a relationship, it's been just a cruel joke on my expense - except with him, in which I blew a few years ago. And it's not that I'm looking for a relationship, though I kind of am because I'm lonely as hell, I'd settle for an awesome friendship with him.
I have a hatred for DBQs. I have all of these ideas for photography and writing stuff, and even some stuff for pottery. But I'm having such a big writers block for this stupid DBQ.

Gah. Back to writing it.

Yeah, I think I'm done ranting.

*Lindsay

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 18:25:34 GMT

I guess I am getting better. Maybe. The last few days have been looking up. It's not even that events in my life, or that my life, are horrible. It's all me. Such as the fact that I hate myself oh so much. I'm so damn critical of myself. It's not even the whole saying: "Everyone is their worst critic." I'm just so hard on myself. A week before finals, for example, I wrote an anaylsis on a book for my English class that Mr. Dowd(sp?) was grading. We had to write what we felt was good about it and what we would give ourselves. Well, truthfully, I couldn't find anything good about it and told him I wouldn't give the lowest pecentage possible for it.

But I guess you can say I'm slowly starting to get better. I got my perfect attendance award for the semester and a bumper sticker for my car that says "Thornton High Schoo Honor Student" on it. I also found out that the school will pay for most of my AP exams, so I only have to pay for $14 of it on my own. Those things helped boost my confidance a little. I've been spending 3-4 hours in the Pottery room, too. Which is actually relaxing after getting past the first initial frustration of not doing anything right.
I also opened up a DeviantArt profile to display my photography and other artistic stuff. I only have one person on my DeviantArt list and I don't have anything posted yet, so there's only one picture in my scrap book. But it's a big stretch, especially if I put more stuff up. Because, other than my Drama Club photobucket, I don't show people ANYTHING that I do. Mostly because I think it's crap. I'm starting to get better at that a little, too, but not really.

Heh, the passport people are a joke. I had to put my parents' information on the application. Yesturday I got a notice in the mail saying that my stepfather's information doesn't count unless my mum sends in all of this stuff because he's not my biological father. SO, I have to list all of this information of my natural parents and my stepfather, send in my mum's marriage license and copy of her diver's license. And all of this other crap. But, if we haven't had any conection biological father in 16 years and my mum has been married to my stepdad for 15 years, than why does his information (that we don't even have) matter? That's what makes it a joke. That, and I wouldn't have to worry about any of this if I was born 2 1/2 years earlier.

Woot. I wrote about what I promised: something uplifting. Go me.

Random update

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 01:58:10 GMT

School was horibble today. Never REALLY stopped crying.

Is there any point of ever updating this? I think not. Why do I do? I have no freakin' idea.

My icon (of the sitting elf) looks like Paul, a guy I work with. Interesting.

That's all.

Trying to get better, but only getting worse.

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 19:11:04 GMT

According to The Denver Center of Performing Arts, Les Miserables will be here 3 May - 7 May, 2006. Woot. Definitely have to go.

I know people are sick of listening to this crap from me. But too bad. And it's not like anyone ever reads this, so it doesn't even matter. So here goes another rant.

I've actually been trying to update for a while but I haven't been able to find the right words. And that's how it is right now.

I was reading my last entry and The part where I drove around with no purpose or direction made me realize something. I realize that I find myself doing that all of the time. And not just in the physical sense, but in the metaphorical sense as well. I'm going through life with no purpose. As far as I can tell, I have no purpose and I don't think there'll ever be one for me. I'm just driving down this lonely path that has no end. It just keeps going and going and the other roads that can be turned onto are blocked. I'm sick of the road blocks that are stopping me from getting to a life that isn't lonely, dark, and desolate.

In fact, here is an icon that really fits. It always has, even before the song was even written.I really don't like this song by Greenday, but I can really relate to this line. Yeah, that's what my road looks like, only mine doesn't have streetlights.

I've been trying to get better. I really have. It's gonna take a little longer than what my friends might like, unfortunately. But the thing is, the more I try to get better the worse I've been getting; and I don't know what to do. Why can't I stop hating myself? Why aren't I allowed to not hate myself? Why aren't I allowed to have some of the friendships and relationships that I see everyday? And please Don't tell me that I can unless you have a way to help me achieve it. I'm sick of people telling me that I can without telling me how I can because I don't know.
I don't know how I can not hate myself anymore, or stop wondering why people don't hate me. I don't know how I can see some of the good things about myself that look horrible to me. I don't know how I can stop seeing failure. I don't know how I can stop seeing myself as being over 300lbs. I don't know how I will ever be able to look at myself in the mirror or look at pictures of myself. No one will ever get my senior pictures they requested because I can't bare to look at. How does someone change these things? And no, these questions are not random thoughts. They are real questions that I'm trying to find an answer to.

I hate being sick. Not only am I screwed up emotionally and mentally. But physically as well. It really sucks. I hate school, too. It sucks and it's killing me. I really wish I graduated early like I could have - either at the end of last year or last semester. But then, when I get practical, I find that being there is for the best. Gives me something to do other than work, and I can just imagine how boring and more lonely life would be.

Well, I guess that's all. I'll try to post something a little more uplifting soon.

*Lindsay

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 19:33:39 GMT

Work last night was... well, interesting. I worked 7-11 + close. It wasn't too bad, not like how it used to be. But some pretty interesting things happened. First, these middleschool kids were making out behind the building when I went to take the trash out. They wouldn't get back inside. So, I went and brought Mike and he ran after them all scary like. Scared the crap out of them. And Luis and Steven gave me a song dedication for being awesome. *felt loved* Then, towards the end, the fire alarm went off twice. That was chaotic. Kevin should really call a meeting on how to handle that stuff. Then, I went to Perkins for breakfast (and muffins) with Luis, Steven, and Mike; then took Mike home. After that I drove around for half an hour with no direction and no purpose. I Didn't get home until 2:30am. Is it sad that hanging out with people after work is only your third social interaction for the school year?

Trying to get the people to evacuate when the alarm went off was not an easy task. They, we, didn't really know what was going on but they still took their time getting out. It really showed how people care more about their material posessions over their own well being. Which is sad, really. Really sad. If there were more serious matters going on that night, would they have not cared about the seriousness of it all? Would they have gotten out quicker? Or would they still have acted the same? Would they falued their belongings over their own health?

Well, I guess that's all for now.

Bye,
*Lindsay

hmm...

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 22:21:38 GMT

Semester one finals were last week. Buh-bye semester one.You've been just peachy, but it's now time to move on. Just one more pointless, crazy, and killing semester to go. Only four months and three days left of highschool, counting weekends and days off, according to my timeticker. Only 4 months and 3 days?! Only?! That seems way too long. You know when people say: "It all goes by too fast." Well, I sure hope so. That'd be really nice, but probably too much to ask for.
I wish I could have graduated early. Stupid AP English teacher won't let me drop at semester without taking a withdraw/fail. Heh, the class is so small that they probably need me just to keep it going. But maybe, just maybe, graduating early is a good thing. Because It'll give me a chance to change some stuff and maybe, just maybe, I can have at least two good semesters at that hell. (freshmen year 2nd semester was good). But hoping for that is probably just a waste of time.
It's pretty cool not caring anymore. I usually freak out right before the tests, then forget all of the matrial for that short amount of time, then bomb them. But I was surprisingly calm about all of the finals. Weird.

I've actually been able to act all not depressed and sad these past two days. Nothing's really changed for the better, either. Am I just numb? Am I immune to the feels, worries, thoughts and all of that crap so their effect isn't as great? Or are they suppressed again? I duunno what to think.

Some friends are just confusing. They get frusterated and they say: "we want to help you, we're worried about you, we're here for you, we want you here... blah... blah... blah.." and I work so hard to get myself to open to them just a little bit, it was so hard and I'm still working on it. But as soon as I do, they act differently than how they talk. Yeah. Now they make plans with me then ditch me, and they act like they don't want me around. I don't know what's worse, not being invited or being invited and then ditched. I'm not too upset about it. I just wish they'd make up their minds and leave me alone until they do. I hate being confused like this.

That brings me to my next topic. Why do people say something but don't follow it with actions... about anything? I see this all of the time when observing people. I know I prolly do the same thing, so I'm not saying I don't. I've just been curious about that. I'm sick of people saying they care or whatever. I don't want people to tell me something, unless it's conversation or whatever, I want them to show me. I've heard that crap before, but can it ever be shown?

Well, I was going to write this poetic shit. But I have to go pick up my sister, so that's it for now.

*Lindsay

Blah. Long entry.

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 20:21:38 GMT

They screwed up my schedual at work again. Figures, right? I got my schedual on Thursday, only working today 11-4. Then they changed it but didn't tell me. I was supposed to work 7-11 and 3-6 today (plus closing both nights). So I didn't go in last night and I showed up today just to be turned away, and now I have nothing to do - including homework - because I planned to work all day today. Oh well.

Here is a long and completely pointless survey to take away from my boredom

[1]. Name one person who is on your mind right now
Tim?

[2]. Do you think your life has been good so far?
Better than some people's

[3]. Where is the last place you went?
to work

[4]. Who is the last person you called?
Uh... Brett... about 2 weeks ago. Yeah, I'm a looser

[5]. Who is the last person you texted?
Alicia

[6]. What's the name of your first love?
Haven't been in love.

[7]. Do you still talk to him/her/see?

[8]. What's the longest relationship you've ever been in?
Haven't had one.

[9]. Why did it end?
Can't end something that you're not allowed to have.

[10]. ever cheated on anyone?
no

[11]. Been cheated on?
no

[12]. Have you ever thought that you were in love?
no

[13]. Ever been caught having sex?
Nope. Still a virgin.

[14]. Have you ever slept with someone on the first date?
Read above. ^

[15]. What is your favorite body type to cuddle with??
I don't think I'm allowed to cuddle.

[16]. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I guess I kind of look like my mum.

[17]. Do you have siblings?
2 half-sisters

[18]. Do you smile often?
Nope.

[19]. Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
If there is, I find it very hard to believe.

[20]. Could you be a vegetarian?
No

[21]. Are you sentimental?
I guess

[22]. If you had to get married tomorrow, who would you marry?
hahaha! Me getting married - ever?!

[23]. Groomsmen?
doesn't the guy pick that?

[24]. Who would you want to catch the bouquet?
Robin or Alicia

[25]. Do you know anyone who wants to marry you?
Doesn't there have to be someone to date you first?

[26]. Ever thought someone was "the one?"
not sure

[27]. What do you think your wedding song will be?
pfft...no clue

[28]. What is your middle name?
Nicole

[29]. Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity):
I seem to lack all of them right now. Probably love.

[30]. Do you wish on stars?
no.

[31]. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? The only shoes with laces that I wear are for my rec. sports class, and I haven't touched those laces in 2 years. So, no.

[32]. What is the most disgusting food you've ever eaten?
I don't know

[33]. Would you kill someone?
No.

[34]. When did you last cry?
last night

[35]. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you?
I don't know

[36]. Have you ever met anyone famous?
Sean Astin (sam), Peter Mayhew (chewbawka), R.A. Salvator
I've also met Reggie Mcdaniel and John Cudia - Those two aren't really famous, but they're famous in my book.

[37]. Do you like your handwriting?
sometimes

[38]. Who are you jealous of?
a few people

[39]. What is your favorite lunchmeat?
Turkey, or chicken

[40]. Do you have any bad habits?
I recently started biting my nails again. arg.

[41]. Are you a friendly person?
sometimes

[42]. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
no

[43]. Do looks matter?
They shouldn't. But superficially, yes

[44]. What is your favorite school subject?
history

[45]. Are you keeping a secret from the world?
yes

[46]. Do you regret anything?
yes

Q: WHO'S BED DID YOU SLEEP IN LAST NIGHT?
A: mine

Q: WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A: grey

Q: WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR UNDIES RIGHT NOW?
A. blue!

Q: DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?
A: 4 cats, 2 dogs

Q: MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED?
A: The Sandlot

Q: NAME 3 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ON YOU AT ALL TIMES?
A: cell phone, wallet, hairtye

Q: WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS?
A: pink with black and gray sheep

Q: HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE ON YOU RIGHT NOW?
A: about 40 bucks

Q: WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT?
A: sleeping

Q: WHATS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE CHICKEN?
A: breast

Q: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TOWN/CITY?
A: ummm....

Q: I CAN'T WAIT TO?
A: go to Europe, move out

Q: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR DAD?
A: this morning

Q: Who got you to join myspace?
A: my sister

Q: How long have you been at your current job?
A: a year

Q: Is Tom on your friends list?
A: he might be

Q: What's the last thing you said out loud?
A: "when are you going to the store?" To my mum

Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: the laundry room

Q: What is the last place you spent over $100?
A: erm... I can't think of one. I don't spend that much, because I like saving my money. But, I can tell you that I plan on spending over a $100 and Target.

Q: Who's your favorite villain?
A: I don't know... Jafar from Aladin?

Q: Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A: uh...the dress from Alicia, which I still have to give back.

Q: What web site(s) do you visit the most during the day?
A: myspace, livejournal

Q: If you could drink anything right now what would it be?
A: Tea... Coffeee.... or something involving a lot of liquor

Q: Does anything hurt on ur body right now?
A: My leg. It feels like someone slashed it with a knife

Q: What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
A: never been in a taxi

Q: Do you own a picture phone?
A: Nope. Why upgrade if the digital camera I want is better and only $50 more?

Q: What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
A: pumpkin spice latte

Q: Any ideas for your new-years resolution?
A: I didn't make one. All of my resolutions aren't for new-years. They're things I've been trying to change for months.

Q: Admit something about yourself.
A: You probably already know.

c r y i n g section

when was the last time you really cried your heart out?
Probably Wednesday night.

ever cried yourself to sleep?:
yes!

ever cried on your friend's shoulder?
Just once. And once on a strangers shoulder.

ever cried over the opposite sex?:
No

do you cry when you get an injury?
no, never had one to make me cry.

do songs make you cry?:
some

h a p p y section

are you normally a happy person?:
I haven't been for a while

what can make you happy?
umm...

do you wish you were happier:
definitely

what makes you the happiest?:
probably... being with my friends

is being happy overrated?:
Yeah. I've been thinking that.

l o v e section

how many times have you had your heart broken?: 0

do you still have feelings for any of your old significant others?: I've never had a significant other.

have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them?yes

did you ever love a guy/girl, tell them that, and only got 'thanks' back? no

has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you?: of course not.

h a t e section

who do you actually hate: probably myself

have you ever been on a hit list?: most likely

are you a mean bully?: no

do you hate any one that breaks your heart?: no, I don't

do you hate George Bush?: I don't like him, but I don't hate him.

s e l f - e s t e e m section

is your self-esteem extremely low?: It's so low that it doesn't exist

do you believe in yourself?: HELL NO

who was the last person to say you were pretty/hot/etc: um...that's never ever been said to me.

ever wanted to kill yourself because you thought you werent good enough?: maybe....

Are you happy with who you are?: not really

do you wish you can be someone else?: I've sometimes thought I'd rather be anyone but myself. Right now... probably not.

============================================
L//O/O/K/ /A/T/ /M/E/
x Whats your natural hair color?: brown
x What is your current hair color? my natural color
x What color are your eyes?: brown
x Current Piercings?: 2
x Long or Short Hair?: long
x Straight or Curly? straight

/C/U/R/R/E/N/T/L/Y/ W/E/A/R/I/N/G
x What shirt are you wearing? my old PE uniform
x shorts/pants/ are you wearing?: Kakies (sp?) for work
x Rings?: none
x Braclets?: does a hairtye count?
x Is your hair up or down?: down

/T/H/I/S/ O/R/ /T/H/A/T/
Rock or Rap: rock
Coffee or Hot Cocoa: hot cocoa
Baseball or Softball: Baseball
Wild Night out or Romantic Night in: I wouldn't know
Chocolate or Vanilla: both?
Bracelet or Necklace: necklace
Pink or Purple: purple
History or Science: history
Sleep in or Early to rise: early
Beach or Boardwalk: beach
Hoodie or Tee Shirt: tee shirt
Night Or Day: night
High School or College: college... it has to be better than highschool, or I will die.
White or Black: black
love or fun: I wouldn't know
California or Florida: Cali
Simple Plan or Good Charlotte: neither
Love at first sight or Learn to Love: wouldn't know
Babe or Baby: umm...

/H/A/V/E/ Y/O/U/ E/V/E/R/

Kissed the opposite sex?: no
Kissed the same Sex?: no
Hugged someone?: a couple of times
Been on the phone until the sun came up?: no
Put a song on repeat for more than 2 hours?: yes
Gone Skinny dipping?: no
Laughed so hard you pissed in your pants? no

/T/H/E/ L/A/S/T/
person you talked to in person?: my mom
Person you talked to online?: Jen last night
person you talked to on the phone?: Brett
last time you had a shower?: this morning

/R/A/N/D/O/M/
Do you like surveys?: yeah. Kills off time
Do you ever wonder what your life will be like 10 years down the road?: yea
you get along with your parents?: for the most part
Are you old enough to vote?: Not yet
Are you happy?: no
Are you sad?: more than sad
You have mental breakdowns?: only a few
Did you ever tell you parents you didn't feel good so you didn't have to go to school?: no
Do you have a cell phone: yeah
============================================

-Current Mood: lonely, depressed, but maybe a little bit better because I feel numb.
-Current Music: You are My Hompe, Skillet
-Current Hair: combed and ready for work
-Current Annoyance: everything
-Current Longing: someone who I am quite sure has no idea I even like him
-Current Thing I Ought To Be Doing: nothing really.... math homework?
-Current desktop picture?: something of my dad's. Some plane
-Current Favorite Music: showtunes, anything Skillet
-Current Favorite Book: Most of the books I have read recently have been for English...
-Current CD In Stereo:
-Current Refreshment: none
-Current Worry: everthing you can possible worry about.

So, I was actually hopeful for a few minutes last night that maybe, just maybe I won't be alone for the rest of my life, that I'll find some kind of love. Which was a big surprise to feel it. That felt completely weird and scary. And then I crushed that hope by myself. And then, the hope came back and scared me, and then Steph's lj crushed it again.
Taurus:
Yes, that is a very special spark you're feeling with (and toward) you-know-who. But this potential love interest may not be in a situation that's conducive to romance. You might be better off leaving this one alone for now.
I don't really believe in horiscopes, but this fits. Figures, right? Why should I even be aloned to hope for anything at all on, not just love, but any subject.

Why?

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 04:30:59 GMT

Tea is very good. Best drink ever. I've decided this... Sorry, that was random.

These questions don't require answers. I don't even think there are. They're just thoughts, in the form of questions... They're only a few thoughts, not even close to everything. There are some that I can never remember when I go to write them or talk about them.

I'm just wondering..... Why do I hate myself so much? I never knew it was possible to dislike someone so much the way I do myself. My friends say that I'm wrong when I say mean things about myself. Why can't I believe a word they say? Why do I think they're lying? Why have I always thought this way? I always have, just not to this extent. I wasn't good enough to get my UNC application fee waived, I was 3 points under. Why am I never good enough? Why do I always think I've failed at everything I try? Why do I have this big feeling that I won't get into a college, and when if I do I'll fail miserably in ALL aspects? It's just one of those feelings, like those feelings I get when something bad is about to happen and it does. Mrs Schieffelin showed me the things that are good on my transcript, like going beyond with foreign languages and crap like theat. But why can't I see that? Why are my expectations for myself too high?
Why do I always think my ideas, and thoughts, and writings, and.... everything is completely horrible? The worst things ever?

Why does it feel like I'm a burden on my friends when I try to talk? Or... anything, for that matter? Why does it always feel like they're too busy? Or that I shouldn't?

Why does it feel like my life will end in June? That there is nothing for me? I was told that I'm confusd because I have so many options with what I can do in college, and for my life. But why does it feel like they're closed off? Restricted to just me? That I don't have ANY options at all?

Why is the devil whispering things in my head? Why is he tormenting, torturing me? There are some things going on with that... that are scaring me to death and that I can't even begin to talk about. They're hard to explain to my friends, when they don't believe in God and things like that. But why doesn't he answer me anymore?*sighs* It feels like every aspect of me... my mind, spirit, liveliness... is dead but my body hasn't gotten the message.

Why am I not allowed to know what love feels like? What love is? I think I'm doomed to wonder this disolate world alone. The only kind of love that I'm thinking exists is God's love. But even that is being hard to grasp right now. And I know "God's love is all you need.. blah. blah." But I'm sick of this hate that is being shown from the world and myself. Why aren't I allowed to randomly hang out with my friends? It's hard to work where I do. You see fiends hanging out there a lot, and families, and couples.. Something I can never have.

Heh, I knew it wouldn't happen. I was supposed to hang out with James, Megan, Robin, and Ronnie. But of course it wouldn't happen. Truthfully, I wasn't counting on it to. It never does. I can make plans with someone and they always get broken. Or, I'm just forgotten and the plans are carried out anyway. I'm not being pessimistic or anything, it's just the way it works. And I know it's me, because I'm a looser like that.
I might post a few poems or something that I wrote. I just don't think they're good enough to read

I know I shouldn't be thinking these things, but they're what is being told and shown to me. So it's really hard...

Man... I could sure go for a hugh... or something right now.

*Lindsay

This isn't very nice.

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 04:01:10 GMT

I thought this was amusing:
“Some suffrage advocates claimed that once women had the vote, war would become a thing of the past, since women would – through their maternal instincts and their calming peaceful influence – help curb the belligerence of men.” ~ The Unfinished Nation.

I still hate life.I really do.

I feel that I failed at high school. I'm just some loser. I really am, and I don't like myself at all. I feel that That I won't get into college and that if I do, I'll fail miserably.< So why try? Why try at anything at all?

I just want to give up so much.
I mean, just give up right now on everything. Life, school, everything... Not even finish highschool. Just drop everything and Say: "SCREW IT! SCREW IT ALL!"

Man, there's so much I wish I can come out and say, but I don't trust anyone....

I'm working on Little Shop of Horrors starting today.Carolyn persuaded me to becom co-prop head, eventhough I decided to do nothing before that. So, I'm helping Jessica, just like the fall plays; and I'm co prop head. Eventhough, I don't see the point in any of it. I think I've given up my interest in theatre, and I've given up on Drama. But I guess it shall be a fun waste of time. *Shrugs*

*Lindsay

A rambling abou life

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 04:26:54 GMT

I had this cool entry for my lj all mapped out in my head,
but, of course, when I went to write, it all went way.

So now I'm just rambling.

I think I'm getting worse since my last blog was written.
I feel... Trap, and there's no way out.
I feel... numb, and I SOB a lot. Almost consistently.
I feel... Even more lonely and depressed than ever.
>And I've been lonely and depressed as hell.
I feel... Like this is it. This pethetic life is only going to get worse and it's going to kill me when it does.
There are some other things, but I don't trust people on this site to say.

This break, though much needed, sucks.
With the exception of Christmas and the party at work, it's only been of despair and loneliness.

I just... don't know what to do anymore.

I can't wait for that Europe trip.
It's much needed, to say the least.
Only, I don't think I'd want to come back.

>Heh, Mrs. Sheffelin said:
to get together with friends,
that friends will help - and make it much easier.
> Heh, BS. Hard to do.
Some, or most of my friends are only around when they want something or to make fun of me.
>Heh, let's see her be antisocial with no friends around and do that.
Too hard.

I don't need friends, I need God.
Big time.
I'm sorry, but...
Friends... suck, in general.
They just do.
I know, that sounds harsh.
But I can't help to say it.
... can't be trusted.

And I'm just so confused.
Because eventhough I say that,
I'm still longing with all of my might for someone in my life,
For this loneliness to go away.

And, if you get a call, text message, IM, or if you hang out with people,
And by hanging out, I don't mean talking to them about school or work and leaving it there.
and you spend ALL of your time away from school, work, and church in a dark basement, not talking to anyone.
Then, you have no idea what my loneliness is like.

Man, I wish I could drop AP English.
But I can't. Not allowed to.
And I wish I had some one to work on with this DBQ.
Feels like the class is torchering me, and my 'friends' and 'partner' isn't even there.
~ And I may be over dramatic about being ditched by them, but I can't take being left up, then dropped back down to rock bottum again.
I would like to as happy as I can be, or just at rock bottum.
Just something consistant, please.

On the Plus Side:
> Brett called and Love Rides the Rails, a play I worked on over the summer but never performed might be back. He's having a meeting with Risa and Bryan.
I hope so.
It made my summer.
It really did.
> And there's that trip to look forward to and prepare for.
I'm so grateful to have a graduation gift like that.

* I hope everyone had a lovely New Years.. *insert sarcastic tone* Can't be as eventful as mine, though. Homework, ice cream, some more homework, and in bed at 9:00pm.

* I know that the very few people, if any, who read this are sick of reading all of this depressed crap.
And I'm sorry, but if you don't like it, tough. I'm stuck like this, and I don't know how to fiz it.

And I'm sorry that it's so long.

*Lindsay

Merry Christmas

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 19:08:56 GMT

I hope everyone had a great Christmas! I did. my family and I did what we normally do. On Christmas Eve, we went over my uncle Jim's house; then came home around midnight and opened presents from eachother. I gave my mother a mother's ring, it's so cool. Then, on Christmas day, my schedule went: Grandpa Doane's at 10; Aunt Diana's at 2; Grandpa Schroeder's at 5; home at 11. Yeah, those two days are usually really busy. But it's all cool. I love Christmas because I get to see 30-40 family members in two days.
My gifts included: a rolling drawer organizer thing; lots of giftcards and cash; lots of tea; the Complete Works of Narnia by C.S. Lewis; Wicked, Confessions of an Ugly StepSister, and Mirror Mirror (all books written by the same person); and a new cellphone.
I was also given knowledge of my graduation present. A trip to France and England with my step-dad's parents! I'm leaving four days after the graduation ceremony and I'll be gone for almost two weeks. We stop in Chicago for a few hours to change planes, then we stop in England for a few days, than take the English Channel to France.
Oh man, I'm so exited!!! It's not was originally planned... which was me spending three months with my relatives with my Grandma Doane... But it rocks!!!! I can't wait and I'm really grateful!!
Oh man, I can't wait. I've been obsessed with everything that is French since I was 8, wanting to got to France since I was 9, and have been learning the language since I was 10.
Only bad thing is that my French is kind of shabby at the moment because I haven't had anyone to practice with. But I'm gonna try to pick up a French class during my off hours next semester.

I really need to get on my DBQ for History and finish my reading for English. We know what I'll be doing this week.
I wish I had someone to work with for the DBQ. But my partner is flaky, she I asked if we can exchange numbers on Friday before school got out. She said "In a minute" and left.
And Steph, Ronnie, and Robin are all working on it together without me. Heh, Ronnie invited me to 'tag along.' But no one told me anything else about it until today and I have to work tomorrow. I would have been able to if they would have told me yesturday.
Oh well. Flaky partners, negligent friends... I'd rather work on the "Death By Quiz" by myself than with them.

That's all I really have to say.

*Lindsay

Change

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 22:18:08 GMT

I decided it was time for a change. Both of my ljs have a new look, and I changed the profile content. I changed my xanga and myspace in their entirety as well. I like them. I'm content with them, which is the only thing I have been content with for the longest time.
heh, stupidest thing to be content about.

It's funny how things change dramatically in such a short amount of time; how much you can miss out on; and things you never know about; always being the last one to know. When you've been right there the whole time.
Crap like that.
It's funny how you plan to call someone or do something, weeks or months later it still isn't done. How you lose your chance if you don't do it when you start planning to.

I'm probably not making any sense, but that's ok.

I just want to sit here and vent, let all of my emotions spell out, let all of my issues just come out.
But I don't know how to write it,
I don't know what to say.

I just want to write poem ontop of poem about it all.
But I don't know how to start or how to end.
I wouldn't know what to write about first.

I'm not sure what to do anymore.
I wish I could just give up on life altogether,
crawl into a dark hole and wait
for this nightmare to be over
But what would that solve?
What would that change?
Nothing.

>And I don't know what to write anymore,
So that's all,
I'm done.

*Lindsay

Wanting to hide.

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 21:01:10 GMT

Someone put my name on thar survey we took after the suicide video. I guess I'm on their list of possible suicidal people, eventhough I would NEVER EVER DO THAT, so don't worry, that is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm now required to check in with Mrs. Sheffelin (my counsler) at least once a week and talk to her. I spent lunch with her 5th hour on Wednesday, but it kind of made me feel worse.
We only got to the base of some of my problems. And I didn't tell her most of them. I don't really plan to. I lied to her, too. I told her that my depression was due to stress and lonliness; that I plan on going to college; and that I had plans for winter break (I don't, just forcing myself to go to work and do homework). She knows there's something more that's really bothering me, and she's right. But I didn't tell her she was. I might post a rant about them later, but I honestly don't know who I can trust, or would even care.
I just wonder who put my name in. The curiosity is killing me.

*Lindsay

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 02:47:33 GMT

I saw Narnia at midnight with my grandma last night. It was great. Defenently one of those movies that you can get lost in and lose touch with reality. I love movies like that. I adore them. I love living in those worlds of Narnia, Rent, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and so on... So much better than my life.

*Lindsay

Where did the power go?

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 01:06:37 GMT

School was fun today. We had a windday. The power kept on going out, then it went out for a long time in Advisory, so they sent us home at 10:15. I laugh at all of the people who still had to stay in. I have a lot of homework to do. Bleh. But at least I was unable to get homework from my last five classes. :)

Eh, that's all I really have to say.

*Lindsay

Wee!

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 05:15:46 GMT

I saw Phantom of the Opera today. It was awesome. I went with my Lori, Art, Kimmy, and my Grandparents. We had great seats. We're talking 7th row - center. The graveyard scene had this small part with fire and I could actually feel it's warmth. Ah, it awesome.

Afterwards wasn't too bad, either. We went to Sam's for dinner, which is down the street from the Buell. We had to wait for our table. I'm glad we did because John Cudia, the guy who played Roul, came in a few minutes after we did. He autographed my program and we talked. Then, he went to his table - we had to wait a few minutes longer because we had more people - and our table was right next to his!!

*Lindsay

I HATE WRITERS BLOCK

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 21:53:09 GMT

Oh God!
I'm freaking out right now!
I have writers block and it's bad.
It's effecting my writing in school.
I still don't have my thesis for my thesis paper.

What's worse...
My Ursinus college application is due tonight and I still have no idea what to write for my personal statement.
Gah!
I hate this.
I really want to go, but if I don't do this, I don't get to go because I can't do the essay for the other application.
Why can't I just think of half a page??

I hate writer's block!

*Lindsay

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 02:53:59 GMT

Yeah, life sucks... But what can I do about it? Nothing. Because there is nothing I can do about it. Eh, oh well.

My Grandma S. had a heart attack on Tuesday night. She's doing better now. Thank God.

On Wednesday, I saw Harry Potter again... I'm not going to say that it's better than the book or not. I try not to compare movies to what they are based off of, because when one does that, one usually ends up disappointed. For example: Phantom of the Opera, Harry Potter 1-4, Rent, The Lord of the Rings... All great movies, but, of course, not as good as their originials.
Anyways, after that, I took my sister to physical theropy (sp?) and then saw Rent with Becky. It was an AWESOME movie. I loved it so much - so sad. And I got to hang out with Becky, Alexa, and Julie!!!! That was fun.

On Thursday, I went to My Grandma S' for Thanksgiving. We helped her get ready, then a lot of family came over. It was cool. I had two glasses of wine. I liked the stuff my Uncle Jim had on Christmas better.

Eh.. Supper sick..

I'm going to go and tack a big douse of nyquill now..

*Lindsay

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 20:47:31 GMT

Happy Harry Potter Day!!
Yeah, I know I'm 2 days late. But blah.
So, I saw the 4th Harry Potter movie at Midnight at the United Arists with a bunch of friens - Alicia, Dan, Ronnie, Laura, Heather, Jessica, Chris, Rachael, and Kenny.. Yes, I was actually social. *gasp*
The 4th Harry Potter movie rocks! So what if they took out the sub-plots that just kind of gets in the way? I love it! And I get to see it 2 more times before Thanksgiving. Woot. Wow, seeing it really destracted me from the my depression for a few days.

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 03:27:40 GMT

Here is a slightly disturbing fact about a Donner Party survivor: "Lewis Keseberg spoke openly of eating human flesh and was reviled as a man-eater and ghoul. During the gold rush, he made his fortune and in 1851 opened a resturant in Sacramento." ~ David McCullough